IRGRL

Today is my daughters birthday.   It didn’t start out good.  Being last week my check that I did have got tied up with TD Bank, then when they got automatic deposit back online, my account was still screwed, so they said it may be 4 to 5 days before it is sorted. Granted I don’t get much, but it would of gotten my daughter her b day gifts.

So now I’m bummed and thinking why why why.  Why is life this hard, was it supposed to be this hard?  blah

My daughter told me this morning that she didn’t need a present. She had me. Wow, could I have not felt any more guilty.  Wasn’t going to have her present because the van broke down, so I new when all the money would be there on Thursday, it was going  to fix the van.  I was so stressed and upset.  We made her popcorn balls for her class and she was thrilled.

Sometimes it amazes me, my children, that is.  We are poor, sure I know there are poorer then I, but for us, we struggle every day right now.  The kids have gone without so many times.  We don’t get to do the regular fun summer things a lot of his friends do, but we go camping, hiking, fishing, go to the beach a lot. I know the kids were disappointed when we couldn’t go to the Museum of Natural history this summer in NYC.  Couldn’t afford the train over.  Those kind of things stick with me, they don’t seem to stick with my kids tho.

I was so down this morning. I figured I had a card for her and then when I got paid I could get her something.  I wont lie, I was way down, my faith in humanity and life  just lost completely.  I’m usually not like this.  Even living way under the poverty level my hopes and dreams are usually high.  But lately I just cant keep up the facade.

I was checking my email, and I read the subject line “Happy Birthday to your daughter”

It was an undisclosed amount of money from a friend on twitter.

I cried, not because I’m a mush ball,which is usually the reason. But this time because it was like a weight was lifted.  At least for that moment.  I couldn’t pay this person back, least not right away, so I offered in exchange to paint them something.   But my faith was a bit restored in humanity, and I will tell you why.

I have friends who help me here and there, Ive known them for awhile, but don’t expect any help, they don’t have a lot themselves, but when they have extra and I am in a bind, they help.

But this person I have twitted to a couple times, me to them, them to me, but just a bit, never really interacted other then that, they DMed me and asked me my email, I thought, like so many others, he was going to email me about my recent twitter plight of dealing with the bank, and having my van broken down, and offer some kind words and support.

I emailed them and said thank you, it seemed little in comparison to how I felt. They dont know me from a hole in the wall, they didn’t have to do that.

Sometimes I get down, I think why me. I know its selfish to think that, but I do, why me, I grew up with shit, drugs and alcohol, missing parents, lying to Childrens Services about where my mom was when she went on her binges. Doing drug deals for my mother when she was passed out from doing heroin, or angel dust or something else. Why as an adult do I still get shit on, and now my kids.  It sucks, and I get angry and get pissed off at life,and living and humanity.  Like I did this morning, thinking I wasn’t doing my part as a good parent.

And this happened. this small donation of kindness which made my daughter happy, restored my faith in  that there are people out there that do good things, just because.

I already know some of them, they are my 2 closest friends.  But this was so random and unexpected it has left me with a feeling of hope, hope that I’ve grabbed the end of the rope, and I may not be able to climb up it, at least Im holding on again.

Thank you